The Ladder Theory...

Hello, friends!

I was on campus at Lincoln yesterday, eating with a pastor friend of mine and some students. One of the female students was talking about how there was a guy who was interested in her but she wasn't interested in him. The pastor asked, "did you tell him that you're not interested?" Her reply was, "I told him that being friends is really great." He turned to me and say, "you should tell her about Ladder Theory." From there, I proceeded to share with the students Ladder Theory and subsequently blew their minds. The women at the table looked at me like I had just unlocked the mysteries of the universe. The men at the time shook their heads in kind of sad understanding. It was a pretty beautiful thing.

OK, what is Ladder Theory? I'm glad you asked! In a nutshell, Ladder Theory is a helpful analogy I like to use to show that men and women think about the opposite sex differently from one another. I don't remember if I developed it in high school or college. I don't remember if it was told to me or if I came up with it on my own. If someone knows the answers to these mysteries, please let me know. What I do know is that ladder theory has helped me explain to many a student that men and women are very different creatures when it comes to relationships. Let's dive a little deeper, shall we?

Women have 2 internal ladders when it comes to men (note: I am using hetero-sexual men and women in my explanation for the sake of simplicity). Ladder One is the friend ladder. On this ladder is every guy she knows who she would never consider dating or being in a relationship with. Men can move up and down the friend ladder based on their actions (or lack of action) but the woman will only see them as a better or worse friend. Ladder Two is the potential partner ladder. This is the ladder where she puts the men who could possibly be her partner. Again, men can move up or down this ladder based on their action or inaction but if you're on this ladder, there's always a chance. Women have the full power and authority to move a man from one ladder to the other ladder and to do that as many times as they please. It's their ladder. If a man tries to make the jump from Ladder One to Ladder Two, he falls into the Abyss, where his best case scenario is that he goes back down to the bottom of Ladder One. See Jason Chu's video "DTR" to see this in action.

Men have one ladder. It's the "yeah, I could see it happening" Ladder. Every woman they've ever met is on it.

Conflict and confusion arises because men and women don't know that they are operating with different ladder structures. Men don't know that there is a friend ladder. Women don't know that there isn't. Here's a common scenario: Gal is nice to guy. Guy sees this as evidence of attraction. Guy talks to all his guy friends who confirm this and encourage him to pursue a relationship. Guy goes for it. Gal is blindsided. Awkwardness ensues. Why does this happen? Ladder Theory.

There are a few caveats to make here. The first is that once a man gets married, he may be able to develop a friend ladder. I haven't worked out the mechanics of this quite yet but I do know that once Meg and I got married, the prospect or desire to be with anyone else went away and it won't be coming back ever. I should also note that it's just a theory and that I'm sure anecdotally we all know a guy or gal who has more or fewer ladders than the theory suggests. And, it should also be noted that this theory does not take into account members of the LGBTQ community. I could see some potential nuances and differences but I haven't explored them in great deal. Finally, this is just a fun theory of mine. I have no real scientific evidence to back this up. =0).

Either way, it was fun to share with students one of my crazy little theories. I've found it to be helpful for students. Feel free to take it as your own.

Have an excellent day!

~Adam