On Facebook...

Hello, friends!

Our pastor on Sunday gave a sermon about what's been happening in Columbia and how the church (both the local church and the Church) should respond. In one little spot he said that this sermon didn't fit into a 4 point sermon but if he had to try, he'd say that the 4 points were this:
- Seek empathy
- Be positive
- Engage in a conversation with someone who is different from you
- Get off Facebook

He was joking but I think I know where he was going with that last point. There have been a lot of conflicts that have happened only in cyberspace because of a Facebook post taken the wrong way. A lot of conflict could probably be avoided if we just all stayed away.

Here's the thing though. I believe that Facebook is a place where we can actually have an impact in a positive way if we do it well. I don't claim to be an expert in Facebook but I am someone who likes to fight, so in my vast experience of getting into conflict via Facebook, I've learned a thing or two.

So, without further ado: here's my guide to fighting well on Facebook:

1) DON'T THINK TOO HIGHLY OF YOURSELF. How Facebook conflicts usually happen is that someone sees something they don't agree with so they post a response to refute whatever was said. In some ways, that's exactly what Facebook was designed to do. The problem comes when people take  original posts as personal attacks. Here's the honest truth. Whoever posted that thing that you didn't like, probably didn't have you in mind when they posted it. You're almost certainly not that important. Remember that may stop you from getting into unnecessary fights with folk you met at that camp that one time.

2) COUNT THE RELATIONAL COST. This is related to the first point but let's say that someone posts something that deep hurts or offends you. You have a decision as to whether to engage in conversation or not. My rule of thumb is to think about what the relational cost is to NOT engage. If it's that dude I met at that camp one time and I'll never see them again, there's high cost to engage but low cost to not engage. I'm not going to engage. However, If it's someone who I talk to on a regular basis and have real relationship with, NOT engaging is very costly (in terms of awkwardness and broken trust). In that case, I should probably hop in.

3) 'TIS BETTER TO DEFEND THAN ATTACK. There are times when it is obvious that you need to comment because someone is saying something that is actually doing a lot of harm. However, usually posts go away unless someone responds, so attacking/responding actually gives more fuel to the fire. I'm a much bigger fan of letting attacks go but defending like crazy when someone comments on my stuff. Basically, I'm not going to go after you but if you come after me, get ready to rumble.

4) REMEMBER THAT TEXT BASED COMMUNICATION IS INCOMPLETE. It's hard but do your best to avoid reading too much into the tone or tenor or someone's comments. A lot of times, we read too much into things because we're emotionally charged. Usually, if they're actually a friend of yours (as opposed to the comment section of an online article where no one knows each other) they do not mean malicious intent.

5) SET THE EXAMPLE OF HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. If you desire empathy, make sure your posts show empathy. If you desire kindness, show the same. If you are asking for logic or evidence, make sure you have your own stuff together. It's a great way to show the world that you're not a crazy person yelling at another crazy person.

6) TRY TO ENGAGE IN REAL LIFE. Seriously. I say offer to get coffee or something if it's possible to do so. It works on a number of levels. It shows a desire for community. It may deepen friendship. Sometimes it even gets the person to stop talking because they're afraid of face-to-face conflict. It really works pretty well. =0).

7) DON'T TRY TO SAVE THE WORLD. It's ok to disengage. It's ok to take a break. You're not a coward, a loser, or a weakling. You're probably just tired. Facebook, for all it's blessings, isn't quite real life. =0).

Have an excellent day!

~Adam

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